I am my own Harshest Judge.

 I am my own harshest judge

This entry is about how I, and I am sure many others judge ourselves on a daily basis.  Some like myself may even be guilty or judging ourselves for incidences that are none existent.  Case in point:

A couple of evenings ago I was at a volunteer meeting.  This meeting was to discuss an event layout and fill positions with volunteers.  When I got to the meeting location, which was a beautiful park with nice green grass that was a little long but worthy of doing a round of yoga while I waited for others.  This was the first time I had done any type of workout outdoors where anyone can see me.  That is another story.

So as I was setting up for yoga, I noticed a great deal of people running around and doing their thing.  I was very apprehensive about doing the yoga as it involved bringing out my laptop for the instructor videos… I had already passed judgement on the people around me.  I had judge them to be willing to run off with my laptop.  I had also put and expectation of judgement on them.  I had expected them to judge me in one way or another ie; crazy person out here doing this, who does she think she is sticking her butt up like that, look at the tranny trying to yoga…I was turning myself into a victim yet nothing had happened yet.  I was judging myself for those around me when I had no reason to do so.  I was able to recognize this and stop it.  I did my yoga session without incident and went on about my evening.

I meet up with all the people in the group.  Some know me some don’t.  The conversation started up regarding how the meeting will proceed.  Once that was decided on we all got up and started walking the layout while the lead volunteer explained his vison. About 5 minutes in another attendee arrived.  No introductions she just hopped right in and started adding her two sense. Don’t get me wrong it was a worthy 2 cents. 

Anyways, there were some positive comments being made and ideas being floated for what and how to decorate the main tent so people know that it is a starting point as well as loaded with information regarding the event.  I made the suggestion of a whacky inflatable man.  Someone suggested a rainbow one.  The latecomer started to move like they were a whacky inflatable person and I piped up with, “put her in a costume she already has the moves. 

OMG OMG OMG…I just used a pro-noun that I was not sure was accurate.  This is when the self- judgement kicked in.  I started to feel like crap.  I went from being in a really positive mood with a positive atmosphere to creating my own dark cloud that hung overhead raining crap on my positivity parade…

I could not believe I have just hurt someone by using the wrong pronoun.  I hate it when people do that to me.  It tears me up inside so it must be tear that person up to…and we have to spend the next hour around each other.  I spent the majority of that next hour belittling, beating down, and tormenting my own inner person.  I had thoughts like I am a fool for assuming, How could I cause that type of hurt on someone, how can I apologize with appearing an even larger full. OMG I am such a horrible person. All these people are going to hate me…AHAHAHAHAHAH

Wait I can apologize.  I can apologize on Face good..No that may not work as the person may think that a facebook apology is lame…Gawd I am such a loser and all these people know it..as the time slowly drags on, I am looking for a way to excuse myself from the meeting.  I wanted to leave the meeting.  I constantly felt the judging eyes of the participants.  I even remember thinking that the lead was staring me down like “how dare you call them a her”.

All these people knew this person and just a few minutes ago heard me call them something they may not even like or agree with. I wanted to run.  I no longer wanted to volunteer or even be part of the group.  I wanted to do my typical thing and flee.

I couldn’t.  I was here for a purpose.  I was here to volunteer, to throw myself back into the LGBT community…a community of my peers.  A community where my first real appearance starts out with a dumbass misuse of a pronoun.  And the cycle begins again..  I am freaking crazy. 

I start talking to the one person that I had met at a pride event last year.  We chat for a bit and then I ask her about the person that I mis gendered.  Now I did not talk about that part. I just asked what the person’s name was.  Come to find out there name was a more masculine name.  I felt even more like crap because that means I completely mis-gendered the person.  So it is true I am an idiot and I did just have and ID10T err. (sorry geek speak for user error)…

The self judgements started again and was even stronger because I know knew that I messed up. I had just totally ruined their day like mine has been countless times before…

I made it through the walkabout.  We are at the point in the meeting that we start talking about positions open and hours that are needed.  This is when I take the time with my friends help to introduce myself to the newcomer whom I have hurt so bad. 

Once names are out of the way and pleasantries exchanged, I immediately apologize for using the wrong pronoun.  She begins to explain that she is actually gender fluid and goes by either.  Wait…What?

I just spent that last 45 mins destroying myself for something I didn’t even do.  A perceived mistake that was not even a mistake. I am truly bent and broken.  Lesson learned.  Stop false perceptions, stop the self hatred, stop the false expectations.  They only hurt.  Now onto finding a way to fix it.