Self-imposed Expectations

We create our own expectations.  Not only for ourselves but for others as well. 

Creating expectations for ourselves is what propels us to bigger and better things.  These expectations can lead us to the trap of being over critical and self-judgmental to the point of destroying our inner being.  Instead of being self-destructive over not meeting my own expectations I must practice congratulating myself on the effort, learn from my mistakes that caused the failure and do it again.  It is a fine line that we must walk as individuals.

Creating expectations of others can lead us to disappointments.   Disappointments that we do not need in our lives. Let others create expectations of themselves as we create our own expectations.  This will save a lot of stress, heartache, and disappointments.

Growing up in a home where there were certain expectations placed on my shoulders and if those expectations were not met there was harsh punishments to the point of physical spankings.  A home where love was shown only when approved achievements were met.  This is more than likely the reason why I still am such a harsh judger of my inner self.   A good example of this would be during high school.  I had a math test coming up.  Well I was not very good with math and only put in the effort needed to get by.  I didn’t care about any more than that.  I was into writing and biology. 

Well the morning of the test I was given an ultimatum; get a B or better or do not bother coming home. 

Gawd was that punch to the gut.  I am being told by the one person that is supposed to be my guardian, supporter, and teacher, that I am not to come home unless I get a B or better grade on a test.  That really hurt.  So bad that I spent the rest of the day thinking about that comment and letting it eat me up.

Well math class is my last class and even though I studied on my breaks and lunch, I still did not feel ready for the test.  Come test time I was so stressed about the grade that I was told I needed to get that I lost all ability to think.  The test was the longest, hardest, most irritating test one could take.  The longer I sat there with the test in front of me the angrier I grew.

When the test was taken we grade our own.  This way we can have our grade before we leave the class.  I got what essentially is a C on the test.  My self-esteem is already shot, this C was just another kick in the side while down.  I couldn’t go home with this failure in my pocket.  I did not have any friends I could crash with.  The only other option I had was to start biking it to my Moms place even though I did not want to live with her.  How can I face my grandma and tell her I did not live up to her expectations?  How can I still, after all the work, disappoint her like that?  Nothing left to do than to leave.  No need to disappoint her further. 

I started to biking to Moms house.  Where I was living there is only 2 direct routes to Moms, I guess grandma knew that I would be on one of them.  It wasn’t too long after I should have been home (yes she kept track of things like that.) that she was out looking for and found me.  She started yelling at me and asking me what I thought I was doing.  I repeated word for ward what she told me that morning and showed her the test.  She was not happy about the test nor was she happy that she had to come find me.  Talk about being belittled for doing what you were told to do when those are the expectations that have been set for you.  I felt like I couldn’t do anything right.  I may have been 6’4 but I felt 3 inches tall at that moment. 

Growing up like this is hard.  No wonder I constantly destroy my inner being when I do not meet self-imposed expectations. Time to grow and move past this

Thank you for reading if you have taken the time.  

I leave you with a repeat of the lessons above. 

1: Creating expectations for ourselves is what propels us to bigger and better things. 

2: Creating expectations of others can lead us to disappointments.